October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Have you or a loved one ever experienced domestic violence? If so, you know that abuse is physically, emotionally, mentally, and even spiritually devastating. Abusers exert power and control over their victims, who are trauma bonded and confused due to the intermittent reinforcement of the cycle of abuse, which includes a honeymoon period, tension building, and more abuse.
Domestic Violence Is Surprisingly Common
Sadly, domestic violence is widespread, and escaping abusive relationships is an even bigger challenge during this time of quarantine. According to the Washington Post, many victims of domestic abuse feel less safe at home because they are living with abusers, who have grown increasingly violent as their victims have been trapped at home. Victims also potentially face greater economic challenges at this time, and fewer professionals are able to recognize and report domestic violence since children have been staying home and not going to school or daycare.
Domestic Violence Can Affect Anyone
Individuals of any gender can experience or perpetuate domestic violence, but women are disproportionately affected. According to the National Coalition against Domestic Violence (NCADV):
“On average, nearly 20 people per minute are physically abused by an intimate partner in the United States. During one year, this equates to more than 10 million women and men.1 1 in 4 women and 1 in 9 men experience severe intimate partner physical violence, intimate partner contact sexual violence, and/or intimate partner stalking with impacts such as injury, fearfulness, post-traumatic stress disorder, use of victim services, contraction of sexually transmitted diseases, etc.“2
I never thought I would experience domestic violence, but I did.
It Was Surprisingly Difficult to Identify and Leave An Abusive Relationship
When I kept experiencing fighting, arguments, and intimidating behaviors in my romantic relationship, I looked for help online. I found the National Domestic Violence Hotline chat. The professional in the chat confirmed that what I was experiencing was not a normal relationship conflict; it was abuse. What had started as a seemingly loving and affectionate relationship had transformed into a devastating and cruel power play.
I was able to create a safety plan and leave the relationship, and I received free counseling and yoga from community organizations that helped me recover. I am still healing from PTSD (and Reiki has helped!). If you suspect you might be in an abusive relationship, check out the Hotline for help.
Are You in an Abusive Relationship?
It can be challenging to understand that you are in an abusive relationship because abusers go through a cycle that includes a honeymoon period, tension building, and then continued abuse. Abusers may be extremely charismatic, charming, and manipulative. Typical abuse involves love-bombing the victim until they are hooked, then slowly degrading and devaluing the victim before discarding them, and then starting the cycle again.
Each time the victim does not end the relationship, the abuse grows increasingly worse. Abusive relationships can escalate to rape and even murder, so it’s important to get out once you understand what is happening. NACDV notes that “Intimate partner violence accounts for 15% of all violent crime.“2. I know of someone who returned to an abusive partner thinking he had changed. She ended up leaving the relationship after he tried to kill her.
The Wheel of Power and Control
The Domestic Abuse Intervention Project (DAIP) developed the Wheel of Power and Control in 1984 based on responses in focus groups of women who had been battered. DAIP states, “After listening to these stories and asking questions, we documented the most common abusive behaviors or tactics that were used against these women. The tactics chosen for the wheel were those that were most universally experienced by battered women.” If you recognize any of these tactics in your relationship, use caution and get help!
The Wheel of Nonviolence and Equality
It can be helpful to understand characteristics of healthy relationships when you are trying to uncover whether you are in an abusive relationship. DAIP offers this wheel for download on its website. The wheel of nonviolence and equality shows fair and healthy behaviors in a relationship:
Domestic Violence Defies Stereotypes
Domestic violence is not just the stereotype of a drunk man beating his wife. It can include emotional abuse, mental abuse, financial abuse, sexual abuse, and even spiritual abuse. And while many abusers have substance abuse problems, they make the choice to abuse; it is incorrect to “blame the alcohol” for an abuser’s behavior.
An abuser does not necessarily look or seem abusive, especially to individuals who are not in intimate relationships with them. Abusive individuals can be cunning, charming, and superficially quite appealing. Abusers save their worst behavior for those who are closest to them. Anyone can become a victim. It does not matter your socioeconomic status, race, religion, nationality, gender, or age. Survivors of domestic violence come from all backgrounds, but have one thing in common — they were able to recognize and leave abusers.
Take some time this month to honor victims and survivors of abuse. Consider how you might be able to contribute to the prevention of domestic violence. If you have never suffered from an abusive relationship, you can still offer compassion to those who have and benefit from the awareness that these harmful and toxic relationships are (terribly) quite common. Educate yourself about abusive relationships so you can avoid having that experience. Don’t ignore the red flags if you ever suspect a partner might be abusive, and get out early!
Reiki Can Help Heal from Abuse
Reiki is a form of gentle touch therapy that helps heal the root cause of any physical, emotional, mental, or spiritual imbalance. This energy healing modality came from Japan. Giving myself Reiki has been very valuable in my healing process. Other survivors of domestic violence can benefit from learning Reiki so they can give themselves healing treatments.
Also check out my blog about Using Reiki Natural Healing for PTSD and Mental-Emotional Issues like Depression, Suicidal Thoughts, & Anxiety.